Typical Aries. Your birth chart, roasted.
Typical Aries? Wait until we get to your Moon. We give your Sun, Moon, rising sign, Venus, Mars and aspects an affectionate roasting. You get a 3-page PDF in English and a story image by email within 24 hours (usually minutes), ready to read, post or send as a gift.
Final price. No VAT is charged under § 19 UStG (German small business scheme). Add your first name, birth date, time and place at Stripe checkout.
Free taste: what does your Sun say about you?
Sun in Aries
You said yes before anyone finished the question. Your idea of patience is letting someone else draw breath before you interrupt.
That’s one of 164 jokes, and we’ve only met your Sun. The full birth chart roast brings in the rest of the cast:
- Moon ?
- Rising sign ?
- Mercury ?
- Venus ?
- Mars ?
- Saturn’s house ?
- 3 aspects ?
- Element balance ?
What arrives: 3 PDF pages and a story image
This is Miriam’s actual report: born on 9 April 1988 at 07:45 in Hamburg. Same format, your own birth chart. Have a look before your stars get their turn.
- The big three: Sun, Moon, rising sign
- Mind & mouth: Mercury
- Love & battle: Venus and Mars
- Your inner control freak: Saturn’s house
- Plot twists: up to three close aspects
- Element balance and roast profile with drama level
- The compliment page: “The stars give you 10 out of 10.”
- 1080×1920 story image with your name, big three and three roast lines
“Roast my birth chart.” Fine. Your Moon is up next.
1,728
Sun, Moon and rising sign alone make this many combinations. Then come Mercury, Venus, Mars, Saturn and your aspects.
2 hours
Roughly how long a rising sign lasts. That’s why we ask for your birth time and place.
0
Jabs at looks, background, health or gender. We’re here for your habits, your messages and that thing you always do.
Moon in Capricorn: You cry once a year: booked in, efficiently, without witnesses. There’s a calendar invite.
Saturn in house 9: You plan spontaneous trips six months in advance.
More lines from the roast
- Mercury in Capricorn: Your voice notes have an agenda, action points and a closing summary.
- Moon in Pisces: You cry at adverts. Insurance adverts. The weather forecast, if the presenter really commits.
- Venus in Capricorn: You flirt through eye contact and a spreadsheet. You’re looking for a solid long-term return.
- Mars in Scorpio: You don’t hold grudges. You have an excellent memory and no urgent plans.
- Mercury in Virgo: You proofread menus in your head. Sometimes out loud. The waiter didn’t ask.
- Venus in Libra: You’re in love with love. And a little bit with how the two of you would look in photos.
- Moon in Scorpio: You forgive. Forget? There’s a dated spreadsheet, backed up in two locations.
- Mars in Sagittarius: You start projects with the energy of a firework and the staying power of a sparkler.
- Venus in Aquarius: You want to be loved, with reasonable limits on cuddling, clinginess and the use of heart emojis.
- Saturn in house 2: You have a savings pot for your savings pot.
- Saturn in house 6: Your task list has its own task list.
- Saturn in house 3: You think three times before typing “hi”. Then delete it.
- Saturn in house 12: At three in the morning you worry about things that might happen in 2041.
Before you order
What does a birth chart roast calculate?
Your birth date, time and place give us your Sun, Moon, rising sign, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Saturn’s house, up to three close aspects and element balance, which become a three-page roast in English plus a story image with your name.
What details do I need to roast my birth chart?
At Stripe checkout, give us your first name, birth date, birth time (if you know it), birthplace and the email address where you’d like us to send your roast.
When will my roast arrive?
Your English PDF and story image arrive from [email protected] within 24 hours, usually minutes; Stripe sends your receipt separately, so check your spam folder if our email hasn’t arrived.
Can I order without knowing my birth time?
Yes: write “unknown” and we’ll leave out the rising sign, use 12 noon local time for the planets and count Saturn’s house from your Sun sign. The Moon may be in another sign at your actual birth time.
Can I give a Birth Chart Roast as a gift?
Yes, just enter their first name and birth details with your own email address, then forward the PDF and story image or print the roast for them.
What happens to my birth data?
We use your birth data only for your report and delete it within 30 days of delivery; the free Sun-sign roast runs in your browser.
Is the roast mean?
The jokes are about your habits, messages and the things you do, with a proper compliment on the last page: the stars give you 10 out of 10.
“I don’t believe in star signs.”
Of course. You just happen to know everyone’s rising sign. You don’t need to believe in anything to laugh at yourself, and this makes a lovely gift for the friend who thinks they’re immune.
Your Birth Chart Roast: €9.90
| Zodiac mug with a joke | €11.90 to €18.99 |
|---|---|
| Birth chart roast from an online marketplace | around €22 to €25 |
| Your roast, based on your birth chart | €9.90 |
- 3 PDF pages: big three, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Saturn, aspects, element balance and roast profile
- 1080×1920 story image to post or send
- Compliment page with your chart positions
- Typo in your birth details? Reply to our email for a corrected copy
By email within 24 hours, usually minutes. Yes, it works as a last-minute gift.
Go to checkout · €9.90Final price. No VAT is charged under § 19 UStG (German small business scheme). One payment, no subscription.
After you pay
- At checkout: add your first name, birth date, time (if known) and birthplace.
- Within 24 hours: your English PDF and story image arrive as email attachments, with your order confirmation.
- Then: laugh, post or give it as a gift. We delete your birth data within 30 days of delivery.